Parenting For Self-Reliance And Success
Welcome back!
Ben Casnocha posted an interesting link on his blog last week, to an essay by Joseph Epstein. Epstein is a university professor, and in his essay he was reflecting on the shift in parenting styles among middle-class parents, and the effect of that shift on the behaviour and attitudes of the “Millennials”, or Generation Y – the kids currently in high school, college, and up to about age 25.
Those kids have grown up with an unprecedented level of parental attention and involvement, and they continue to expect a high level of attention, praise and affirmation from other adults as they enter college and the workplace.
Epstein’s observations echoed those in that fabulous ode to the kids of the 50s, 60s, and 70s – the kids of yesteryear who had lead-based paint on their toys, rode in the back of station wagons without seat belts, and went out to play on the weekends – unsupervised – without a mobile phone or any expectation that they would be dropped off, picked up, or in communication between leaving home after breakfast and returning at sunset.
Epstein’s essay also evoked a longing for those simpler times, when parents were just parents, and weren’t expected to also be their kids’ chauffeur, best friend, counsellor, performance coach, careers advisor, and lender-of-first-resort. Back before the advent of encounter groups and “inner child work”, kids got on with their lives and adults got on with theirs.
I’m not advocating a return to that lifestyle – there were some major disadvantages to living in families which simply never discussed or acknowledged emotions.
One advantage of those times, however, could be reclaimed.
We could return to thinking of kids as capable.
The pendulum has swung so far in the direction of protecting and nurturing kids that there is a reasonably widespread phenomenon called “helicopter parenting”. This refers to the form of anxious hovering and over-helping which flowers, in the fullness of time, with parents phoning their college-aged kids who are living in dorms to wake them each morning so they are not late for class.
The message kids get from this type of parenting is not that they are loved and respected. The message they get is that they are incapable, and that the world is too much for them to handle on their own.
One of the greatest benefits to my kids from their business activity is the sense it gives them of being capable – of being able to do adult tasks in way that adults respect and acknowledge.
Business activity also breeds emotional resilience. Kids who have active businesses have all tried things that didn’t work out, processed the disappointment, and moved on to try something else. In most cases, they get accolades for trying, whether or not they ever make much money.
Who is better placed for a life of accomplishment – the child who has tackled adult challenges, and learned that failure and disappointment are part of life, and part of the process, or the child who believes they are incapable of getting out of bed without outside assistance?
Image: silver.and.gold
June 24th, 2008 at 7:04 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are being too over-protective, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 24th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are weakening our kids by doing things for them, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 24th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are being too over-protective, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 25th, 2008 at 1:06 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are preventing our kids from developing competency, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 25th, 2008 at 7:13 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are being too over-protective, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 25th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are weakening our kids by doing things for them, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 26th, 2008 at 7:14 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are being too over-protective, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 26th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are turning into a nation of helicopter parents, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 26th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are weakening our kids by doing things for them, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 27th, 2008 at 12:46 am
[...] on from last week’s conversation about “helicopter parenting”, I was thinking about some of the other, unintended consequences of pouring so much energy and [...]
June 27th, 2008 at 7:22 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are preventing our kids from developing independence, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 27th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are raising our kids to be dependent, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 27th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are preventing our kids from developing competency, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 28th, 2008 at 7:46 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are killing our kids with kindness, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 29th, 2008 at 1:53 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are turning into a nation of helicopter parents, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 29th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are turning into a nation of helicopter parents, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 30th, 2008 at 2:05 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are weakening our kids by doing things for them, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are shielding our kids from the experiences they need to become self-reliant, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
June 30th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are killing our kids with kindness, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]
February 13th, 2009 at 10:46 am
[...] are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are preventing our kids from learning vital life skills, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked [...]